I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize