Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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