I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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