...so i touched it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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