New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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