just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
