Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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