I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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