i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
