I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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