my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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