Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
