I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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