Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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