no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
