i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
