i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
