I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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