my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
