Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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