the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
