my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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