Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Randomize
