sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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