Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize