Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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