So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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