I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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