i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
