Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
