Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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