I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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