im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize