So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
