You really coming over, don't trick.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
