since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Text me some of your sweat
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize