Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
