i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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