Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
