apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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