your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
