dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
