Your face is a jimmy john
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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