im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The best revenge is premature balding
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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