i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize