somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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