Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
