I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
