I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize