I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
