Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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