Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
