I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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