Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
