Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
