I'm going to jail i love you
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
