Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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