It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
