as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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