It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
