he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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