you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize