Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
